How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

What a boundary actually is

A boundary is not a wall. It is not a punishment, and it is not a way to make someone else behave. A boundary is simply the place where you end and someone else begins. It is you knowing what you can give, and saying so, without abandoning yourself to do it.

When I say it like that, it sounds easy. It is not, because most of us were trained the opposite way. We were praised for being easy, for being flexible, for not making a fuss.

How you know a boundary is missing

Your body knows before you do. It is the tight chest when a certain name shows up on your phone. The automatic yes that leaves your mouth before you checked with yourself. The exhaustion that has no obvious cause, because the day was not full of things you wanted.

You over explain. You feel guilty when someone is disappointed. You soften what you really think, and later you cannot remember what you actually wanted to say. That is not a character flaw. That is a person with no door on their own house.

The sentence you are allowed to say

Here is where everyone wants a script, so let me give you something more honest. A boundary is not the perfect sentence. A boundary is you staying in the room while someone else is disappointed in you.

That said, words help. So start smaller than you think. You can say, I cannot take that on right now. You can say, I will get back to you tomorrow, and then actually take the day. You can say, that does not work for me, and leave the sentence there without a paragraph after it.

Notice these are not speeches. They are short because they are true. The urge to explain is the old habit talking, not the truth.

What happens when you start

Two things happen, and I want to prepare you for both. The first is that some people will be surprised. The people who benefited from you never having a no will feel the change. That is uncomfortable, and it is also information.

The second thing is the guilt. It will come anyway, even when everyone is kind. You will lie awake and wonder if you were too much. The guilt is not a sign you did something wrong. It is a sign you did something new. It fades much faster than the exhaustion does.

If this feels close to home

I wrote a free guide called 5 Signs You’re Losing Yourself Trying to Keep the Peace. It is for anyone who is done calling fine a feeling. You can download it here, and it takes a few minutes to read.

And if you want to do this work with someone, if you want a person to sit with you while you find your own door, I offer a 20 minute connection call. We talk about what is happening in your life, and you feel what it would be like to have someone on your side while you stop disappearing. You can book a connection call whenever you are ready. The call is free, and it is a conversation.